I sit here at my computer because I can't sleep.  Why?  Not sure.  Lately I have felt as though I'm doing battle with myself.  I strive so hard to maintain my sense of normal.  But I'm not normal.  I am different...........each of us is different.  Yet each of us is alike.  I've struggled lately with not wanting any of the others out.  Why should I?  I'm so happy.  Everything is wonderful.  I'm in love, I'm loved.  I don't ever want that to change.  It's what I've searched for all my life even when I didn't realize it.  But to let the others out would take away from that.  I guess I don't want to share it with them.  They are struggling with me about this.  It's getting harder to hold them in.  I just like things the way they are and I don't want their presence to make me feel different.  I don't want to share my special time with my partner with them.  I know that sounds selfish but it's the truth.  

Today it's sunny, warm and a pretty good day.  My struggles are low today and I'll enjoy that.  My anger has reared it's ugly head a couple of times but I grit my teeth and move along.  Some of the others aren't happy with the way I'm handling this.  They believe I should be more vocal.........regardless of who it will hurt.  I want to scream.  I want to tell the world of my anger.  I have survived so much and yet feel that I can destroy so much work my losing control.  I've come so close.  I fear this happening could ruin my happiness.  I've finally found the person I want to spend the rest of my days with and I can't let anything change that.  They have to understand.  They don't.  I know that.  That's what I'm worried about.

This past week the anger was there, just underneath everything I did and said.  I found myself lashing out at people other than the one who touches it.  I apologized immediately realizing what had happened.  I noticed.........I guess that's good.  I know I should leave, go to a safe place when it's bad but it's so very hard for me.  The old stuff that tells me I should stay, tough it out, not run away is so strong.  I'd like a break.  A break from the battle........

In my last entry I touched a little on my anger.  It's more than the word.........it's a living, breathing entity.  It surrounds me in shadows and doubts.  It doesn't allow me reasonable conversation.......at least not to the one who triggers this.  My words are acidic and tragic.  They stop at the edge of my lips as I suck them back inside to fester and breed........more words.......more anger.  I'm dumbstruck with the hold it has on me.  I am it's hostage.

It's been so long since I've written.......not sure where to start so I'll just start from today.  Life has been good.  Very good.  Yes, I still have my issues and I work on them daily.  It's just part of my life.....part of what I do every day.  Good news!  My partner and I are getting married!  I'm very excited about that because I've finally found someone that I can be totally comfortable with.  She understands me so well that sometimes it kind of freaks me out.  She knows when somethings wrong.......she totally accepts all "parts" of me and is not judgmental.  I feel totally safe with her.

The thing I still deal with almost daily is my anger.  I have so much anger stored inside me and the triggers are numerous.  I'm trying to deal with it by separating things that happened that made me angry, re-visiting it and letting it go.  It's sounds a lot easier than it is.  Imagine remembering being kicked down a long hall way (over and over) because your not walking fast enough.  How badly I wanted to turn around and hit him or tell him to leave me alone.  I didn't.  Because I knew it would make it worse.  They're would be more than kicking.  So, I took the abuse, stuffed the anger and moved on.  Now, when I feel threatened at all the anger rises and boils.  At this point I have two choices.  I can stuff it again and go on or I can try to face it......head on.  That means understanding what's happening to me first then, well, I'm not sure what then because that's what I'm working on.  If I can, I know to bring myself to one of my "safe" places.  Either physically removing myself from the situation or going there mentally.  Mentally doesn't always work and I don't always understand it's happening so that's the first step.  

It's still a lot of work but I've come so far and accomplished so much that it's worth every minute I put into it.

Comments can be sent to surv49@aol.com  

I've traveled far, or so it seems

My heart came along

Bewildered and amazed I listened

I heard but couldn't believe

Not ready

I denied my truths and stumbled

 

Many times

 

My head understood

My ears burned with the pain of the words

 

I walked my path, with others

yet alone

I grieved my past, all the unknown

I searched for my feelings

 

Frightened away

In the dark I found solace

 

I hunted

for the truth

 

For years

 

Then

I discovered

Me

 

In the truth

I found life

I found love 

 

Mood:  a-ok

Recently I received a comment to my last entry regarding forgiving myself and my father.  The comment was from a friend.  They stated that they had come to terms with their past and issues with their father.  They stated that maybe forgiveness wasn't that important; that the fact that I had stopped the cycle of abuse and understanding that he was to blame not I and that he had serious issues might be enough. Upon giving this a lot of thought I realized that maybe some people reading my blog thought the same things.  

I need to explain why that isn't enough for me.  When I was living with my father and living with his abuse I felt that the Lord had abandoned me.  This was very painful.  I was brought up Catholic. I attended Catholic grade school and Catholic high school.  Therefore, feeling abandoned was devasting.  I felt that it didn't matter what I did......I was lost.  It was only through therapy that I came to realize that the Lord never abandoned me.  He protected me.  My alters were his answer to a situation I couldn't survive in my mind.  

Now, I thank the Lord everyday for being there.  I need his forgiveness for my doubts and for my actions during this time.  As for forgiving my father........I know it's the right thing to do.  It's so very important to me to feel right with the Lord.  I am not a practicing Catholic.  I am a member of a Congregational church.  They are very open, understanding and loving.  I found a home to share my beliefs.  I have come to feel right with the Lord again and working on forgiving my father is essential to staying that way.  

These things may not be important to a lot of people.  They are important to me.   

I've been thinking a lot about my last entry.  I mentioned forgiving myself.  I now know I have to forgive myself before I can forgive him.  But even before that, I need the Lord to forgive me.  I've prayed and I've read.  I believe he forgives me.  I believe he forgave me a very long time ago.  I never give him enough credit.  Forgiving myself isn't as easy.  Why?  Why am I harder on myself than the Lord is?  I think I've been doing penance all my life for what I believe was my responsibility.  Maybe, just maybe I've done enough.  Maybe I can rest now and let it go.  Maybe.

 

Comments can be sent to surv49@aol.com 

I have been struggling for so long about forgiving my father.  Some would ask, why do you have to forgive him?  Maybe some wouldn't have to, for me it's necessary.  It's the only way I can stop chasing him. Sometimes I think I have it.  I'm so close but I feel the tugging and then it becomes a yank and I'm right back at the beginning.  In my head I understand he had issues and his life wasn't easy.  Of course I can never forget and I know I should leave the punishment up to the Lord.  I guess I need to believe that will really happen.  I can't punish him here........he's too old, if he's still even alive.  I'm tired of punishing myself yet have not totally forgiven myself.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe I have to forgive myself before I can forgive him.  

Today I'll search.  I'll search for ways to do better.  Sometimes I get lazy.  I accept things as they are instead of putting forth the extra effort that's necessary to be a part of life.  Being a part instead of a bystander.  Yeah......it's easier to watch life unfold in front of me but after a while you have to either take part or slowly slip away so far into the background that you become invisible.  It can be lonely there.  That's a safe place for me.  No one can reach me to hurt me.  But, I've learned that's it's o.k. to stick my neck out because even if I get hurt.......the pain is less than that of the loneliness.   I now have someone who supports me putting myself first when necessary.  How refreshing!  It scares me but it gives me strength.  Being a part of life is much more rewarding that hiding from it.